I've been out of touch for a few months. Not just with this blog, but life in general. I have a habit of isolating myself when things get to be too much. It might be bad if I were just hiding under a rock. Mostly I use it to slow things down. I cut myself off from a lot of good stressors so that I have enough energy to separate and deal with the bad ones. After that, I have some decompression time. I'll have itemized ad dealt with most of the big things, and just need time to find focus again. But the latest cycle is over and last week I finally started reaching out again.
You'll have noticed the "Part I" in the title. I though that since this is a blog about life and such, I'd separate some items out and explain them to you you a bit.
Part I - Love and Relationships
Part II - Health and Family
Part III - Career
Part IV - Goals and Career
Part V - A new Year
Once I've written the others, I'll try to remember to add links to the above.
Love and Relationships:
I broke up with Hunter almost two weeks ago. At seven months, he was my second longest relationship.
After all the fighting we've done over the last few months, we managed to end things amicably. I think we were both tired. I baked vegan brownies to bribe him to stay my friend. So far, that seems to be going ok.
My big problem was that it got to be exhausting to spend time with him. Every time I'd talk to him, it was such an emotional toll, I'd lose the rest of the days productivity. It would probably not have been that bad if I had a job to provide more structure to the rest of my life. But I don't, so I work with what I've got. In any case, I need to not feel like I'm the only one making effort for a relationship, and that was what things got down to.
I made a lot of exceptions in my priorities for Hunter. Right from the beginning. Things like time with my friends, or how long to wait to get physical, keeping it as an equal partnership, and setting boundaries. These are my rules and I set them for a reason.
The lesson I learned is that no matter how attractive someone is, or how much I love them or want things to work out - if I keep breaking my own rules, I won't be happy.
This relationship did give me more opportunity to explore than any previous relationship, and for that, I'm happy. I don't think I'm going to keep up with most of that, but it is nice to feel like there are more options.
The other issue is that this is the first time I've had a relationship that could effect something else. I volunteer with him for theater tech with a small company. He's the tech director and I've been sort of main on lights. But while we're still friends, it looks like that could continue to work out. I'd really like it to.
Now I'm taking some time to reconnect with all of the friendships that I allowed to slip with the relationship drama.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Have a Heart: My Relationship Is Not a Convent
I was really sad today. One of those “I could walk in front of a train” days - they start happening in November and follow until mid-Spring. These days often turn into me doing not-so-surreptitious research on joining a convent (usually Catholic, I’m traditional if nothing else. Though I’m not at all Catholic.)
I’ve fantasized about being a nun almost my whole life, and I absolutely blame Rodgers and Hammerstein, and bloody Maria von Trapp.
One of the most poignant moments for me as of late was about Mother Superior and How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? She’s a devil - she’s an angel - she’s a giiiiirl! And with that the nuns promptly decide that perhaps Maria does not belong in the convent and perhaps Mother Superior should hire her out to be a governess to a cranky widower. “You’re not really cut out to be a nun, Maria,” they say, “Being a child in a tree and looking down at our quiet, holy lives does not prepare you to make these vows.”
The more important part of the story comes later when Maria gets frustrated and comes back to the convent, citing that it was too hard and she couldn’t get through to the children. Mother Superior tells her to “climb every mountain” in one of my favorite solo songs. At its essence, the song (and Mother Superior’s role) is to encourage Maria to stop hiding from her problems. A convent is not built to keep your secrets, or for you to ignore your unprofessed love of the Captain, or to… hide. (We know because Rolf found them in the end anyway. I know, it’s a true story, but hush. I’m making metaphors out of molehills.)
Relationships, like convents, are not good places to pretend you don’t have problems. A habit cannot save you from your reckless dreams, and a relationship can’t save you from the problems you’ve been trying to avoid your whole life.
Maria has wild abandon. She’s not suited for a quiet life of being a nun. I have issues that look like whatever the opposite of wild abandon is. I’m not suited to be a wife right now.
So, unable to afford the therapist I want to see, I’m borrowing a leaf out of my own crazy book and turning (after 15 years of holy abandon, practicing almost entirely by myself) to organized(ish) religion. Because I’m craving so much solitude and contemplation, I started going to the weekly dharma gathering at the NYC Shambhala Center. I don’t know a lot about Buddhism yet (beyond what I can glean from the Beats), but I am pretty great at sitting still for long stretches at a time and focusing on my breath.
Today we did a love-kindness focused seven-part guided meditation and I was really bad at it. I had trouble focusing on our meditation phrase, “May you find happiness.” We started with a benefactor, then ourselves, then a neutral person, then someone who annoys us, then all the people in the room, and then the whole universe. Not only did I have trouble picking a benefactor (because there were too many!), but I had trouble picking a person I was neutral towards, and an even harder time picking someone who annoys me. People who just “rub me the wrong way”... I don’t have very many of those.
I could’ve used more love-kindness focus - I ended up mostly annoyed with inability to focus.
Anyway, once I abandoned the phrase and focused on drawing the warmth from my heart and center, I was able to radiate compassion for the universe like the sun. I can’t imagine what I must have looked like, but I felt like a sunflower. My face raised towards the ceiling, shoulders relaxed, smiling like an idiot. Wrapping the world in love and kindness like a babe.
In our brief one-on-ones, I spoke with a young woman who had the opposite problem - she couldn’t focus on extending to the universe, but individuals didn’t give her too much trouble besides the crying. She felt so deeply towards her friends and benefactors, loved them so much that she cried. I cry a lot too, but usually only when people I love leave me, or I’m just too sad to find another expression.
I liked her - she reminded me of Maria.
I’ve fantasized about being a nun almost my whole life, and I absolutely blame Rodgers and Hammerstein, and bloody Maria von Trapp.
One of the most poignant moments for me as of late was about Mother Superior and How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? She’s a devil - she’s an angel - she’s a giiiiirl! And with that the nuns promptly decide that perhaps Maria does not belong in the convent and perhaps Mother Superior should hire her out to be a governess to a cranky widower. “You’re not really cut out to be a nun, Maria,” they say, “Being a child in a tree and looking down at our quiet, holy lives does not prepare you to make these vows.”
The more important part of the story comes later when Maria gets frustrated and comes back to the convent, citing that it was too hard and she couldn’t get through to the children. Mother Superior tells her to “climb every mountain” in one of my favorite solo songs. At its essence, the song (and Mother Superior’s role) is to encourage Maria to stop hiding from her problems. A convent is not built to keep your secrets, or for you to ignore your unprofessed love of the Captain, or to… hide. (We know because Rolf found them in the end anyway. I know, it’s a true story, but hush. I’m making metaphors out of molehills.)
Relationships, like convents, are not good places to pretend you don’t have problems. A habit cannot save you from your reckless dreams, and a relationship can’t save you from the problems you’ve been trying to avoid your whole life.
Maria has wild abandon. She’s not suited for a quiet life of being a nun. I have issues that look like whatever the opposite of wild abandon is. I’m not suited to be a wife right now.
So, unable to afford the therapist I want to see, I’m borrowing a leaf out of my own crazy book and turning (after 15 years of holy abandon, practicing almost entirely by myself) to organized(ish) religion. Because I’m craving so much solitude and contemplation, I started going to the weekly dharma gathering at the NYC Shambhala Center. I don’t know a lot about Buddhism yet (beyond what I can glean from the Beats), but I am pretty great at sitting still for long stretches at a time and focusing on my breath.
Today we did a love-kindness focused seven-part guided meditation and I was really bad at it. I had trouble focusing on our meditation phrase, “May you find happiness.” We started with a benefactor, then ourselves, then a neutral person, then someone who annoys us, then all the people in the room, and then the whole universe. Not only did I have trouble picking a benefactor (because there were too many!), but I had trouble picking a person I was neutral towards, and an even harder time picking someone who annoys me. People who just “rub me the wrong way”... I don’t have very many of those.
I could’ve used more love-kindness focus - I ended up mostly annoyed with inability to focus.
Anyway, once I abandoned the phrase and focused on drawing the warmth from my heart and center, I was able to radiate compassion for the universe like the sun. I can’t imagine what I must have looked like, but I felt like a sunflower. My face raised towards the ceiling, shoulders relaxed, smiling like an idiot. Wrapping the world in love and kindness like a babe.
In our brief one-on-ones, I spoke with a young woman who had the opposite problem - she couldn’t focus on extending to the universe, but individuals didn’t give her too much trouble besides the crying. She felt so deeply towards her friends and benefactors, loved them so much that she cried. I cry a lot too, but usually only when people I love leave me, or I’m just too sad to find another expression.
I liked her - she reminded me of Maria.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
As I'm writing this, I'm sitting on my couch. My leg muscles actually ache because I'm clenching them so tight. I decided to do this blog post in hopes that it would distract me. And it didn't involve moving.
There's a mouse in my house.
So I know we all haveirrational fears. It's a thing.
But oh my God a mouse.
I'm alone, the roomie's out. I called the parents and was advised to put out mousetraps.
I don't ever, ever, ever anticipate seeing a mouse, so why would I have mousetraps?!?!?!?!?! Sorry, that's the terror talking.
A short time ago (okay, fine, I haven't moved an inch in half an hour), I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye. Running. Across. My. Floor. From the living room. Into the kitchen.
Where did it come from? Where did it go? (PEOPLE - this is no time for "Cotton Eyed Joe" jokes!)
It went somewhere. Perhaps under the fridge. Doesn't it know there's no food in there? If it wants sprite or Chobani, fine, otherwise it's going to be mad. Then who knows what will happen. Gah!
I am 27 years old but I've called my mommy twice already. Apparently one cannot provide a mousetrap over the phone. I now know this.
I haven't eaten dinner. I'm hungry. I really have to pee. But guess what - there's no way in all of Hades that I'm moving off of this futon of safety.
Sigh....
There's a mouse in my house.
So I know we all have
But oh my God a mouse.
I'm alone, the roomie's out. I called the parents and was advised to put out mousetraps.
I don't ever, ever, ever anticipate seeing a mouse, so why would I have mousetraps?!?!?!?!?! Sorry, that's the terror talking.
A short time ago (okay, fine, I haven't moved an inch in half an hour), I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye. Running. Across. My. Floor. From the living room. Into the kitchen.
Where did it come from? Where did it go? (PEOPLE - this is no time for "Cotton Eyed Joe" jokes!)
It went somewhere. Perhaps under the fridge. Doesn't it know there's no food in there? If it wants sprite or Chobani, fine, otherwise it's going to be mad. Then who knows what will happen. Gah!
I am 27 years old but I've called my mommy twice already. Apparently one cannot provide a mousetrap over the phone. I now know this.
I haven't eaten dinner. I'm hungry. I really have to pee. But guess what - there's no way in all of Hades that I'm moving off of this futon of safety.
Sigh....
This is NOT a drill, people! Assume the crouch position!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
All My Friends Are Getting Married and I Love It (And Them!)
I’ve spent about $2000 in the last three years on weddings. I’ve been a bridesmaid three times, and there’s a fourth coming up in December. I’m not even a bridesmaid in that one — they just want me to run the show.
My engaged friends really dig my organizational skills. They like how I make schedules, they love how I ask questions, boss people around, and generally get shit done so they don’t have to worry about it. Where’s your phone? Erin’s had it since 8 o’clock this morning so you could have a champagne breakfast, not deal with your almost in-laws. The florist is supposed to be here at 2:00? I’m on the phone at 2:02 and expect updates every 90 seconds until she’s on the floor. Where’s the man party? Room 228 — you hold her train, you carry these flowers, I’ll get the boys. I liaise. I delegate.
I have a finger in every part of the wedding day pie and it is really sexy. You know why?
I’m smiling. I love weddings.I love being in the thick of making the day go well. It is the most important thing to me, the most joyous part of the occasion. The timing of the day is intimate in itself, and I make things run smoothly. It’s what I am best at, and that my friends see it, appreciate it, and rely on it makes me feel loved and appreciated.
Of course, being the coordinating bridesmaid means I miss out on a lot of the “Ooh!” moments. I’m missing from most of the reception pictures. I did not lace up my dear friend’s wedding dress, nor help another with her petticoat, or buckle the other one’s shoes. But the moments I do get are really precious: being the first one up and ready to dress meant I painted my best friend’s toenails while the stylist started her hair. I found a quick fix for a too-dark eye. I made a bouquet and boutonniere for a courthouse ceremony.
I’m not asked to be a bridesmaid because I’m the fun one, the pretty one, or the friend since childhood. I am both fun and pretty, but I’m also introverted and can be quite-to-the-point. It makes socialization a little difficult, and I’ve been told (by people who don’t know me very well) that I lack tact. I’m working on it.
Ideally, if I ever left publishing, I’d like to do this for a living — a day-of event coordinator extraordinaire. But how does one become a professional bridesmaid? Is that a thing?
I’d like to make it a thing.
My engaged friends really dig my organizational skills. They like how I make schedules, they love how I ask questions, boss people around, and generally get shit done so they don’t have to worry about it. Where’s your phone? Erin’s had it since 8 o’clock this morning so you could have a champagne breakfast, not deal with your almost in-laws. The florist is supposed to be here at 2:00? I’m on the phone at 2:02 and expect updates every 90 seconds until she’s on the floor. Where’s the man party? Room 228 — you hold her train, you carry these flowers, I’ll get the boys. I liaise. I delegate.
I have a finger in every part of the wedding day pie and it is really sexy. You know why?
I’m smiling. I love weddings.I love being in the thick of making the day go well. It is the most important thing to me, the most joyous part of the occasion. The timing of the day is intimate in itself, and I make things run smoothly. It’s what I am best at, and that my friends see it, appreciate it, and rely on it makes me feel loved and appreciated.
Of course, being the coordinating bridesmaid means I miss out on a lot of the “Ooh!” moments. I’m missing from most of the reception pictures. I did not lace up my dear friend’s wedding dress, nor help another with her petticoat, or buckle the other one’s shoes. But the moments I do get are really precious: being the first one up and ready to dress meant I painted my best friend’s toenails while the stylist started her hair. I found a quick fix for a too-dark eye. I made a bouquet and boutonniere for a courthouse ceremony.
I’m not asked to be a bridesmaid because I’m the fun one, the pretty one, or the friend since childhood. I am both fun and pretty, but I’m also introverted and can be quite-to-the-point. It makes socialization a little difficult, and I’ve been told (by people who don’t know me very well) that I lack tact. I’m working on it.
Ideally, if I ever left publishing, I’d like to do this for a living — a day-of event coordinator extraordinaire. But how does one become a professional bridesmaid? Is that a thing?
I’d like to make it a thing.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Terrifying Halloween Costumes
Halloween is next week and I am not at all prepared for it. In general the months seem to slip away without me noticing until I go into CVS and see the upcoming holiday's paraphernalia staring me in the face. I'm always that person exclaiming over how I can't believe it is already (insert month and holiday here). And of course I have been shocked all week because I can't believe next week is Halloween! And that means Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner and I do not feel ready for any of it!
Luckily CVS and every other store starts putting up Christmas stuff so early (as in they already have Christmas everything on sale now, in October) that by the time I get to December 25th I am as ready as I am ever going to be for my favorite holiday. But even though the stores warned me and I have pulled out my many scarves and my beautiful boots, even though I am now wearing jeans more than dresses and have even spotted colorful trees amongst the concrete jungle I live in I am still not ready for Halloween yet.
I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm not really as crazy about Halloween as I am other holidays. First off Halloween is a holiday devoted to everything ugly and scary and I just prefer pink ribbons and pretty things and not having nightmares when I am trying to sleep. Secondly it is a holiday that is based on originality, not traditions and so I cannot just sit back and do the same thing I did last year, I must come up with something new and especially exciting to do every year. And finally dressing up for Halloween is expensive. No matter how hard I try to thrift shop and pull from my own wardrobe a clever costume I always wind up spending more money than I would like on accessories and the like for something that I only wear once. I guess I would just rather spend that money on a cute dress that I will love and can wear over and over again for years to come.
My boyfriend and I finally decided on a Halloween party we wanted to go to that is happening this coming weekend and I thought it might be fun to go costume shopping together. I thought it would be a nice, chill activity for us to do together, that was until I walked into the Halloween store. Speaking of the Halloween store, what an interesting business! Once a year these stores pop up everywhere and they charge a ridiculous amount of money for plastic dresses and props and then as soon as November rolls around they disappear until next year. Anyway, we walked into the store and I was hoping to be inspired, to see something really cool that I would want to wear or at least see something that I could recreate at home or that I might like to imitate. Instead of being inspired I got really depressed. As far as I could tell I could be pretty much anything I wanted as long as it was extremely sexy and the costume was super revealing.
And this discovery lead me into super feminist mode where I got very upset and had to rant to my very patient boyfriend about how awful it was that my only choice was to dress up as some guy's fantasy. I don't mind being sexy or dressing in a provocative way; I have worn my fair share of short skirts and have artfully exposed my cleavage, but I decide when I want to dress like that and to what extent. I feel a silly amount of pressure about this holiday and dressing up as it is, I don't need additional pressure to dress up as something that is going to make me uncomfortable. And what was worse was that all of the men's costumes looked pretty cool. All of the men's costumes were of super heros and warriors and badass bad guys. And all of their costumes looked appropriate for a cool crisp end of October day. So for all of my boyfriend's suggestions I offered none and shot done each and everyone of his.
I love being a woman and most of the time I feel really great about being an independent woman who is powerful and totally in control of her life. But sometimes being a woman sucks. And sometimes all it takes is a Halloween store to remind me of how unequal life still is just because I am a woman. So we left the store empty handed and while we are still planning on going to that Halloween party this weekend we still don't have any ideas for an uncomplicated, inexpensive, non exploitative costume that you can still dance in.
Suggestions are welcome!
Luckily CVS and every other store starts putting up Christmas stuff so early (as in they already have Christmas everything on sale now, in October) that by the time I get to December 25th I am as ready as I am ever going to be for my favorite holiday. But even though the stores warned me and I have pulled out my many scarves and my beautiful boots, even though I am now wearing jeans more than dresses and have even spotted colorful trees amongst the concrete jungle I live in I am still not ready for Halloween yet.
I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm not really as crazy about Halloween as I am other holidays. First off Halloween is a holiday devoted to everything ugly and scary and I just prefer pink ribbons and pretty things and not having nightmares when I am trying to sleep. Secondly it is a holiday that is based on originality, not traditions and so I cannot just sit back and do the same thing I did last year, I must come up with something new and especially exciting to do every year. And finally dressing up for Halloween is expensive. No matter how hard I try to thrift shop and pull from my own wardrobe a clever costume I always wind up spending more money than I would like on accessories and the like for something that I only wear once. I guess I would just rather spend that money on a cute dress that I will love and can wear over and over again for years to come.
My boyfriend and I finally decided on a Halloween party we wanted to go to that is happening this coming weekend and I thought it might be fun to go costume shopping together. I thought it would be a nice, chill activity for us to do together, that was until I walked into the Halloween store. Speaking of the Halloween store, what an interesting business! Once a year these stores pop up everywhere and they charge a ridiculous amount of money for plastic dresses and props and then as soon as November rolls around they disappear until next year. Anyway, we walked into the store and I was hoping to be inspired, to see something really cool that I would want to wear or at least see something that I could recreate at home or that I might like to imitate. Instead of being inspired I got really depressed. As far as I could tell I could be pretty much anything I wanted as long as it was extremely sexy and the costume was super revealing.
And this discovery lead me into super feminist mode where I got very upset and had to rant to my very patient boyfriend about how awful it was that my only choice was to dress up as some guy's fantasy. I don't mind being sexy or dressing in a provocative way; I have worn my fair share of short skirts and have artfully exposed my cleavage, but I decide when I want to dress like that and to what extent. I feel a silly amount of pressure about this holiday and dressing up as it is, I don't need additional pressure to dress up as something that is going to make me uncomfortable. And what was worse was that all of the men's costumes looked pretty cool. All of the men's costumes were of super heros and warriors and badass bad guys. And all of their costumes looked appropriate for a cool crisp end of October day. So for all of my boyfriend's suggestions I offered none and shot done each and everyone of his.
I love being a woman and most of the time I feel really great about being an independent woman who is powerful and totally in control of her life. But sometimes being a woman sucks. And sometimes all it takes is a Halloween store to remind me of how unequal life still is just because I am a woman. So we left the store empty handed and while we are still planning on going to that Halloween party this weekend we still don't have any ideas for an uncomplicated, inexpensive, non exploitative costume that you can still dance in.
Suggestions are welcome!
Monday, October 14, 2013
A day at the zoo!
New York City or "The city" as I like to call it is a strange and fascinating place. Growing up on Long Island not too far away, The city became a familiar place to visit and after four years of college, living upstate, in the middle of nowhere, I was desperate to move to this beautiful, exciting, shiny place. I have now been living in Queens as close to Manhattan as you can get for over a year and I now have a different perspective on living in this great city.
I dreamed about living here for so long and thought that this would be the perfect place for me what with the endless distractions and countless people to meet, but I never realized how isolating this city can be and how lonely it can make you feel. 8 million people live here and tons of tourists visit everyday; you can find any activity you can imagine and some of the best food and drinks in the world. But of those 8 million people only a handful are my friends and of all those things to do 99% of them require a 30 minute plus subway ride and a significant amount of money. I often find myself at a loss for things to do when work is slow. Who do I call? Where do I go? How much money do I spend on meaningless distractions? Usually I just curl up on my couch and watch 80 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and wind up cooking and baking until it is time to go to bed, but often I long for fresh air and a small town to explore where no one will bother me while I sit for hours sipping a cup of cappuccino and reading or writing.
Today is the most gorgeous kind of fall day - it is overcast and has been drizzling from time to time, but in my jeans and light coat I am neither cold nor hot and I am relatively without work to do. Since the weather shifted into fall I have been having a particular ache for fresh air and today I finally decided to do something about it. So here I am hanging out with a peacock and the flamingos, eating lunch and writing this blog!
Of all the things I dish out money for my favorite and most well spent yearly expense is my zoo membership. I have an individual premium membership, which allows me and a guest to get into any of New York City's 4 zoos and the aquarium. I highly recommend this deal as it supports a good cause and I have certainly gone enough times for it to be worth the money. I think I go to the zoo (one of them) about once a month both on my own and with my boyfriend (who never complains!) I absolutely love zoos, especially the New York ones! I just love getting in some fresh air while the animals simply captivate me. I could never get bored of going to the zoo. Every time I go I see something new and something incredible. And I always have my favorites that I must see as if I were visiting an old friend.
Today I took an hour trip all the way up to the Bronx Zoo by myself while everyone else is still at work or in school. Going back to the strangeness of big city life is the intimidating, yet satisfying ritual of doing an activity completely by yourself. Again, you would think that I could find someone to go to the zoo with (especially since I can get them in for free!) But of the limited people that I would want to go with all of them tend to be terribly busy and therefore unavailable when I finally find the time myself. So it is up to me to rally my motivation, which can be limited too, and get my butt on the subway. It is all on me to entertain myself for the hour trip there and back and when I get tired or frustrated or bored I have no one to complain to, except the polar bear. But as hard as it can be to take that first step out the door, it can be so refreshing to know, in an extrapolating kind of way, that I can take care of myself and am truly independent. My reward for my efforts are the 3, now grown tiger cubs napping together and my pal and all time favorite polar bear playing with an ice-berg like toy and even the rarely spotted grizzly bear swimming in it's pond. Already I am feeling revitalized, refreshed, and happy that I came and I still have so many more animals to see.
I just find such peace from the smells, sights, and sounds of these lovely creatures, living their lives, playing and enjoying themselves and their friends. I love New York City dearly, but it is nice to come here and feel like I am surrounded by friends. I know that here everything I need is within walking distance and that walking around my lungs will be filled with fresh air instead of the rank smells of the subway. The zoos, and especially the Bronx Zoo today, are my little escape, my little paradise. After today's trip I will have a little more patience for the noise of the subways and the stench of the streets or maybe I will even have a bit more willingness to line up my schedule with a good friend of mine's. But even if tomorrow I return to my pajama and tv watching ways, at least instead of a day of stress and pressure I had a day or smiles and peace.
Time to go find the baby sea lion!
I dreamed about living here for so long and thought that this would be the perfect place for me what with the endless distractions and countless people to meet, but I never realized how isolating this city can be and how lonely it can make you feel. 8 million people live here and tons of tourists visit everyday; you can find any activity you can imagine and some of the best food and drinks in the world. But of those 8 million people only a handful are my friends and of all those things to do 99% of them require a 30 minute plus subway ride and a significant amount of money. I often find myself at a loss for things to do when work is slow. Who do I call? Where do I go? How much money do I spend on meaningless distractions? Usually I just curl up on my couch and watch 80 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and wind up cooking and baking until it is time to go to bed, but often I long for fresh air and a small town to explore where no one will bother me while I sit for hours sipping a cup of cappuccino and reading or writing.
Today is the most gorgeous kind of fall day - it is overcast and has been drizzling from time to time, but in my jeans and light coat I am neither cold nor hot and I am relatively without work to do. Since the weather shifted into fall I have been having a particular ache for fresh air and today I finally decided to do something about it. So here I am hanging out with a peacock and the flamingos, eating lunch and writing this blog!
 |
| My lunch buddy! |
Of all the things I dish out money for my favorite and most well spent yearly expense is my zoo membership. I have an individual premium membership, which allows me and a guest to get into any of New York City's 4 zoos and the aquarium. I highly recommend this deal as it supports a good cause and I have certainly gone enough times for it to be worth the money. I think I go to the zoo (one of them) about once a month both on my own and with my boyfriend (who never complains!) I absolutely love zoos, especially the New York ones! I just love getting in some fresh air while the animals simply captivate me. I could never get bored of going to the zoo. Every time I go I see something new and something incredible. And I always have my favorites that I must see as if I were visiting an old friend.
Today I took an hour trip all the way up to the Bronx Zoo by myself while everyone else is still at work or in school. Going back to the strangeness of big city life is the intimidating, yet satisfying ritual of doing an activity completely by yourself. Again, you would think that I could find someone to go to the zoo with (especially since I can get them in for free!) But of the limited people that I would want to go with all of them tend to be terribly busy and therefore unavailable when I finally find the time myself. So it is up to me to rally my motivation, which can be limited too, and get my butt on the subway. It is all on me to entertain myself for the hour trip there and back and when I get tired or frustrated or bored I have no one to complain to, except the polar bear. But as hard as it can be to take that first step out the door, it can be so refreshing to know, in an extrapolating kind of way, that I can take care of myself and am truly independent. My reward for my efforts are the 3, now grown tiger cubs napping together and my pal and all time favorite polar bear playing with an ice-berg like toy and even the rarely spotted grizzly bear swimming in it's pond. Already I am feeling revitalized, refreshed, and happy that I came and I still have so many more animals to see.
.JPG) |
| He's playing!!!!!!!!! |
I just find such peace from the smells, sights, and sounds of these lovely creatures, living their lives, playing and enjoying themselves and their friends. I love New York City dearly, but it is nice to come here and feel like I am surrounded by friends. I know that here everything I need is within walking distance and that walking around my lungs will be filled with fresh air instead of the rank smells of the subway. The zoos, and especially the Bronx Zoo today, are my little escape, my little paradise. After today's trip I will have a little more patience for the noise of the subways and the stench of the streets or maybe I will even have a bit more willingness to line up my schedule with a good friend of mine's. But even if tomorrow I return to my pajama and tv watching ways, at least instead of a day of stress and pressure I had a day or smiles and peace.
Time to go find the baby sea lion!
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| Baby got bigger since the last time I saw her :) |
Friday, October 4, 2013
When I was little I thought I'd marry a man named Eric...
… yes of course that comes from my
obsession with the “Little Mermaid.” I'm sure that it
subconsciously factored into my years of red hair too. But alas, so
far no Eric.
Without dragging up the gory details,
because, frankly, I'm done with them, my life changed last week.
We broke
up. I broke down. I cried. But I'm not crying now. I feel good.
The people in my life who care about
me, like, actually care about me, told me I was better off. I believe
them. I agree with them. I wasn't treated well. I deserve
better. I'll find better.
But until that happens, I've decided to
focus on me. I've signed up for a class that I want
to take. I'm buying the food I want
to buy. I'm watching the TV I
want to watch. By the way, check out “Orange is the New Black.”
You won't regret it.
I'm
also thinking a lot about my future. What I want from a partner. When I
find someone to share my life, I've got criteria. I need to be
respected, loved, liked because of the things I like. The Muppets,
nerdy movies, books, wearing my hair in a comfortable topnot and the
mint green bunny sweater I bought because it made me happy. And it's
adorable. Duh.
Through
any life change, good or bad, I turn to music. The stages of adaptation are met
with certain songs that help us move along, deal with issues, get
over a bad day, celebrate a good day, hell, do the dishes. So here is
the journey my mind took this last week.
Also, if
anyone knows of an Eric, help a sister out...
"Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley
"Smarter" by Eisley
"Goodbye, Goodbye" by Tegan and Sara
"99 Problems" by Jay-Z. Of course.
And now:
"Moving Right Along" by my beloved Muppets
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