There was a year in my life when I had money to almost-burn. My rent was less than a quarter of my take-home pay. I had thousands of dollars in the bank (to pay taxes with, and also to you know, save); I took spontaneous trips, bought multiple plane tickets for multiple people, and drank wine that cost more than $20 a bottle on the regular. It was a fine year.
But bear with me, for this is a story about being miserably poor and finding compassion.
I’ve never been poor per se, as in I’ve never systemically suffered from poverty. But I have been broker than a joker. When I was living in Seattle at the Space Capsule, I was making $9 an hour, at 37.5 hours per week. That was the poorest time in my life. Rent took almost half my paycheck, utilities and attempting to repay debts took more, and I regularly nabbed soup or pickles or whatever from my roommate (thanks and apologies, Elly) after he opened his red pepper bisques. Having never been so poor, I was too ashamed to ask if he minded sharing his groceries - he never inquired, but I’m sure he noticed how fast the soup went. He started buying extras during his weekly shops.
I almost never knew what I was going to be eating for dinner - it was probably going to be pasta with sauce, and it was definitely not going to have much green in it. I subsisted mostly on bruised apples or strawberries, and candy from the chocolatier I worked at. I got a nasty UTI that turned into a kidney infection - I had no insurance and no money for OTC drugs anyway. I bought garlic cloves and ginger root from the Asian grocery across the street, made and drank medicinal tea for about five days. I missed four days of work. I tried to go back on days five and six, but I was too weak to do anything but work the register, and I had no money for food, so I was back to eating candy. The last thing you should do when you are recovering from a kidney infection is eat candy. My body has never fully recovered - I get UTIs at the drop of a hat, and I'm waiting for my kidneys to give up the ghost.
Could I have called my parents for money for antibiotics? Sure, but I was already calling them once a month to tide me over until payday. I was ashamed of myself, having come out west so young, and then failing so miserably in my adolescent independence. I had already lost all financial aid by almost failing out of college my first two semesters (that’s another story!), so I just… didn’t want to disappoint them further. I wanted to fight for myself. I wanted to be an American bootstrapper, rise up out of poverty like some miracle financial phoenix.
It’s only looking back as an adult, after interacting with friends of friends who still buy into boots that I realize I had no bootstraps. Bootstraps are a myth. It is true that you can rise out of poverty with hard work and perseverance, but the equation to do so has a dozen factors: your race, parent’s class, education level, among many other things. A lot of those factors are affected by the other factors - If you grew up in poverty, you are more likely to have been educated in poverty-stricken school district, and therefore less likely to have gone to college. (More on that here: https://abagond.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/the-bootstrap-myth/)
Anyway, moving away from bootstraps and systemic oppression of the poor, I wanted to tell you a story about choice, compassion, and needs.
I had about $3.60 in my bank account, and $2.50 in my pocket. I wouldn’t get paid for a week. Johannes (my rabbit) was out of food. A small bag of his regular food at Petco was $2.99+tax. the cheapest in town. The nearest Petco was in the U-District, about six miles away from my apartment in the International District. Bus fare was $1.25… you see where this is going. I had just enough to get there, buy rabbit food, and come home. I figured I’d subsist off of apples and half-rotten strawberries during the day at work, and cigarettes I bummed from Keevey to stave off the hunger pangs.
Upon arrival, I found there were out of the size of bag I had been planning to buy. The next size up was about $5.00, I think, and I had luck before running my debit card through as credit and begging my credit union to withdraw their overdraft fee (which they always did, because credit unions are the shit). The checkout guy was young, maybe 25, and he messed something up on the register, or couldn’t cancel out of the debit screen once he’d hit it. I was stuck, and my account was effectively frozen.I tried to explain, he asked if I had any cash… I told him, “Only my bus fare to get home. I live in the ID.” He wouldn’t have been able to make such a steep discount on his register anyway. I tried not to cry as I turned away from him and started towards the door. He put his hand on my shoulder to stop me,
“Wait, don’t go anywhere.”
He picked up the 10 pound bag of food I was trying to buy, and went to the back room. I stood, fretting, wondering if he was going to call the manager, if they were going to yell at me or ask me if I had been stealing. He emerged, an aeon later, with an clear garbage bag full of rabbit food.
“This one broke in the back, so we can’t use it. We’re going to throw it out, but I think you should take it. It didn’t touch the floor or anything.” He handed me the unwieldy bag, more rabbit food than I had ever bought at one time, more food than I had ever bought for myself at a time (college and post-college = eating piecemeal, literally.) “Just don’t tell anyone.”
I’d been keeping rabbits as pets for ten years at that point. You can’t just “break” a feed bag. They’re pretty sturdy and it takes scissors to open them on the regular.
This young man stole for me, from his own place of work, and risked potentially everything he had for no discernable reason - maybe for pity, or because he thought I was pretty and sad, but the reason behind it doesn’t matter because Johannes ate that night and many nights after.
And I started keeping all the bruised apples we couldn’t use in a box for the homeless guy who walked by our shop every other night.
Always pay it forward. The more people you pay it forward to, the more people they will, and the faster the world becomes a kinder place.
Happy New Year, friends. I love you all.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve
Though this was originally written as my annual Facebook note reflecting on the year, I thought this would be a good place to share it too.
What a year.
My mind struggles to grasp the year in its entirety: there has been so much change and growth that it's hard for me to step back and really see what this year has brought.
Let's think about where I was at the end of 2012: in Amsterdam, reaching for my independent self as I prepared to transition yet again, from Italy to London, one au pair job to another. In the months leading up to that trip, I had been dumped, discovered the power of Don Miguel Ruiz and, through his words, found my own power and sense of self, which I had freely given to those I had loved for too many years.
I made commitments to myself for 2013, the content of which were not as important, I found, as the act of committing to myself instead of others. I found comfort and strength in my promises, not because I kept them in the ways I'd initially set out to, but because of their greater underlying principle: that 2013 was going to be the year I put myself first, and stopped diminishing who I was through compromises made in, and for, relationships that did not serve me in the same ways I was willing to serve them.
No more would I, Jade Forester, serial monogamist and Queen of the Rebound, get myself into a codependent, dysfunctional relationship. No more would I choose saving others above saving myself.
2013 has been the year I learned how to save me - from myself, mostly, but also from those who would seek to de-rail the progress I'd made at the end of 2012. By the end of last year, I'd thought the thoughts and was talking the talk. In 2013 I walked the walk.
As with every path I've started down in my life, it didn't go quite according to plan - I didn't completely swear off dating, or sex, and whether that was the right choice is of course moot at this point. The goal was the find out who I am when I'm not being defined by my relationships with men. Not only to find out who I am, but to figure out if I even liked that person - and if not, take positive steps towards becoming the woman I want to be, a woman I can respect and love more than I loved being in love or planning my future. I had to start living in the present and be happy doing so.
Though I wouldn't be so arrogant as to sit back at this point and say "I'm done," as if a person's growth is something that is ever complete, I can say that I achieved my goals for 2013. I found out who I am when I'm not busy being a girlfriend. I found out that I'm pretty awesome on my own, and that I have the most amazing family around me - and I mean not only those that I'm related to, but those who came into my life along the way, and stayed. I found out that I don't need to go looking for love; I am surrounded by so much I can hardly breathe, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude at the blessings I have been given.
I realized I didn't know myself well enough in the past to have patience with those who fell short of my high expectations, or the clarity to realize the depth and breadth of the ways I contributed to others' unhappiness. I am working towards being more self-aware and to change old habits and assumptions, and am quietly optimistic about the future.
I have never been so humbled by any year as I have this one, though I'm sure many of my closest can think of others that my have been more outwardly momentous. But the journey from child to adult isn't always greatest in the milestone moments: the distance between student and graduate, or Maine and the UK, was not so great as the miles I travelled within myself this year, as I searched to discover and redefine who I am and what I want.
I am exhausted, yes, but exhilarated. I have never felt so ready to take on whatever life throws at me. Never have I had so much to be thankful for, or as many reasons to smile throughout my day. Never have I felt so fully my capacity for good, or my strength for change, or my ability to achieve my goals.
I don't have any resolutions as I move into 2014 beyond this: keep it up, Jade. Remind yourself of how far you've come, and what you are capable of when you open your eyes, your mind, your heart, to what you need.
Show yourself every day that are worthy of love - and that means loving yourself. Remember Stephen Chbosky's words from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: 'We accept the love we think we deserve.'
Show those who support you how much they mean to you whenever you have the opportunity to do so. Remember how much they've done for you, and don't forget it or take them for granted. Remember how it felt when you withdrew yourself from them, and don't let it happen again!
Open yourself up to falling in love again, even if it doesn't look or feel like it used to. If you don't want the next relationship to end like all the others, you probably don't want it starting like all the others. Take your time. Breathe. Hold on to yourself without holding yourself back.
Remember the four agreements:
What a year.
My mind struggles to grasp the year in its entirety: there has been so much change and growth that it's hard for me to step back and really see what this year has brought.
Let's think about where I was at the end of 2012: in Amsterdam, reaching for my independent self as I prepared to transition yet again, from Italy to London, one au pair job to another. In the months leading up to that trip, I had been dumped, discovered the power of Don Miguel Ruiz and, through his words, found my own power and sense of self, which I had freely given to those I had loved for too many years.
I made commitments to myself for 2013, the content of which were not as important, I found, as the act of committing to myself instead of others. I found comfort and strength in my promises, not because I kept them in the ways I'd initially set out to, but because of their greater underlying principle: that 2013 was going to be the year I put myself first, and stopped diminishing who I was through compromises made in, and for, relationships that did not serve me in the same ways I was willing to serve them.
No more would I, Jade Forester, serial monogamist and Queen of the Rebound, get myself into a codependent, dysfunctional relationship. No more would I choose saving others above saving myself.
2013 has been the year I learned how to save me - from myself, mostly, but also from those who would seek to de-rail the progress I'd made at the end of 2012. By the end of last year, I'd thought the thoughts and was talking the talk. In 2013 I walked the walk.
As with every path I've started down in my life, it didn't go quite according to plan - I didn't completely swear off dating, or sex, and whether that was the right choice is of course moot at this point. The goal was the find out who I am when I'm not being defined by my relationships with men. Not only to find out who I am, but to figure out if I even liked that person - and if not, take positive steps towards becoming the woman I want to be, a woman I can respect and love more than I loved being in love or planning my future. I had to start living in the present and be happy doing so.
Though I wouldn't be so arrogant as to sit back at this point and say "I'm done," as if a person's growth is something that is ever complete, I can say that I achieved my goals for 2013. I found out who I am when I'm not busy being a girlfriend. I found out that I'm pretty awesome on my own, and that I have the most amazing family around me - and I mean not only those that I'm related to, but those who came into my life along the way, and stayed. I found out that I don't need to go looking for love; I am surrounded by so much I can hardly breathe, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude at the blessings I have been given.
I realized I didn't know myself well enough in the past to have patience with those who fell short of my high expectations, or the clarity to realize the depth and breadth of the ways I contributed to others' unhappiness. I am working towards being more self-aware and to change old habits and assumptions, and am quietly optimistic about the future.
I have never been so humbled by any year as I have this one, though I'm sure many of my closest can think of others that my have been more outwardly momentous. But the journey from child to adult isn't always greatest in the milestone moments: the distance between student and graduate, or Maine and the UK, was not so great as the miles I travelled within myself this year, as I searched to discover and redefine who I am and what I want.
I am exhausted, yes, but exhilarated. I have never felt so ready to take on whatever life throws at me. Never have I had so much to be thankful for, or as many reasons to smile throughout my day. Never have I felt so fully my capacity for good, or my strength for change, or my ability to achieve my goals.
I don't have any resolutions as I move into 2014 beyond this: keep it up, Jade. Remind yourself of how far you've come, and what you are capable of when you open your eyes, your mind, your heart, to what you need.
Show yourself every day that are worthy of love - and that means loving yourself. Remember Stephen Chbosky's words from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: 'We accept the love we think we deserve.'
Show those who support you how much they mean to you whenever you have the opportunity to do so. Remember how much they've done for you, and don't forget it or take them for granted. Remember how it felt when you withdrew yourself from them, and don't let it happen again!
Open yourself up to falling in love again, even if it doesn't look or feel like it used to. If you don't want the next relationship to end like all the others, you probably don't want it starting like all the others. Take your time. Breathe. Hold on to yourself without holding yourself back.
Remember the four agreements:
- Be impeccable with your word
- Don't take anything personally
- Don't make assumptions
- Always do your best
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Miss Communication
This is the 2-3am angry post.
I'd like to know what is so hard about communicating. Please, do tell.
See, I seem to have this problem. I speak my mind and tell people when I want or need something. When I invite an acquaintance out, I say " I would like to take you to this place at this time on such and such day".
Yet, I never seem to have the same language used with me. A man approaches me to ask for a date. He asks where I would like to go, and makes absolutely no mention of date or time. I have to think up some place that he might like. Then go through and suggest days that might work. Just who is doing the asking?
I'm tired of this. Every time I think someone is asking me on a date, I end up doing all the work. Do your part. You want to spend time with me, spend ten seconds coming up with an idea about it. You're laziness ensures that I will not be spending time on you.
Addendum - I have been informed that what I am describing is "confidence". My reply was that, from anecdotal experience, there are no confident men. There are inept men and there are creepers on the train who *really* want to get you a coffee.
I'd like to know what is so hard about communicating. Please, do tell.
See, I seem to have this problem. I speak my mind and tell people when I want or need something. When I invite an acquaintance out, I say " I would like to take you to this place at this time on such and such day".
Yet, I never seem to have the same language used with me. A man approaches me to ask for a date. He asks where I would like to go, and makes absolutely no mention of date or time. I have to think up some place that he might like. Then go through and suggest days that might work. Just who is doing the asking?
I'm tired of this. Every time I think someone is asking me on a date, I end up doing all the work. Do your part. You want to spend time with me, spend ten seconds coming up with an idea about it. You're laziness ensures that I will not be spending time on you.
Addendum - I have been informed that what I am describing is "confidence". My reply was that, from anecdotal experience, there are no confident men. There are inept men and there are creepers on the train who *really* want to get you a coffee.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Non Sequitur
About two months ago I was very ill and sitting at home in my dogs-toasting-marshmallows flannel pj's and reading articles/watching youtube as a break from all of the naps. As I sat there, feeling a bit blobbish wrapped in a blanket, and sipping tea for my sinus infection, I came across the "Blurred Lines" video and controversy. As I watched the video, an inescapable descriptor for the women in the video dawned on me.
"Sex Kitten".
I thought for a minute about all the connotations of this as the artist sang and the women bounced. I looked down at my dogs-toasting-marshmallows flannel pajamas,
"Fuck that. I am NOT a sex kitten," Said I to my computer. "I am a SEX LION".
I sneezecoughed into a tissue.
"HEAR ME ROAR".
"Sex Kitten".
I thought for a minute about all the connotations of this as the artist sang and the women bounced. I looked down at my dogs-toasting-marshmallows flannel pajamas,
"Fuck that. I am NOT a sex kitten," Said I to my computer. "I am a SEX LION".
I sneezecoughed into a tissue.
"HEAR ME ROAR".
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Return of the Blog Part I
I've been out of touch for a few months. Not just with this blog, but life in general. I have a habit of isolating myself when things get to be too much. It might be bad if I were just hiding under a rock. Mostly I use it to slow things down. I cut myself off from a lot of good stressors so that I have enough energy to separate and deal with the bad ones. After that, I have some decompression time. I'll have itemized ad dealt with most of the big things, and just need time to find focus again. But the latest cycle is over and last week I finally started reaching out again.
You'll have noticed the "Part I" in the title. I though that since this is a blog about life and such, I'd separate some items out and explain them to you you a bit.
Part I - Love and Relationships
Part II - Health and Family
Part III - Career
Part IV - Goals and Career
Part V - A new Year
Once I've written the others, I'll try to remember to add links to the above.
Love and Relationships:
I broke up with Hunter almost two weeks ago. At seven months, he was my second longest relationship.
After all the fighting we've done over the last few months, we managed to end things amicably. I think we were both tired. I baked vegan brownies to bribe him to stay my friend. So far, that seems to be going ok.
My big problem was that it got to be exhausting to spend time with him. Every time I'd talk to him, it was such an emotional toll, I'd lose the rest of the days productivity. It would probably not have been that bad if I had a job to provide more structure to the rest of my life. But I don't, so I work with what I've got. In any case, I need to not feel like I'm the only one making effort for a relationship, and that was what things got down to.
I made a lot of exceptions in my priorities for Hunter. Right from the beginning. Things like time with my friends, or how long to wait to get physical, keeping it as an equal partnership, and setting boundaries. These are my rules and I set them for a reason.
The lesson I learned is that no matter how attractive someone is, or how much I love them or want things to work out - if I keep breaking my own rules, I won't be happy.
This relationship did give me more opportunity to explore than any previous relationship, and for that, I'm happy. I don't think I'm going to keep up with most of that, but it is nice to feel like there are more options.
The other issue is that this is the first time I've had a relationship that could effect something else. I volunteer with him for theater tech with a small company. He's the tech director and I've been sort of main on lights. But while we're still friends, it looks like that could continue to work out. I'd really like it to.
Now I'm taking some time to reconnect with all of the friendships that I allowed to slip with the relationship drama.
You'll have noticed the "Part I" in the title. I though that since this is a blog about life and such, I'd separate some items out and explain them to you you a bit.
Part I - Love and Relationships
Part II - Health and Family
Part III - Career
Part IV - Goals and Career
Part V - A new Year
Once I've written the others, I'll try to remember to add links to the above.
Love and Relationships:
I broke up with Hunter almost two weeks ago. At seven months, he was my second longest relationship.
After all the fighting we've done over the last few months, we managed to end things amicably. I think we were both tired. I baked vegan brownies to bribe him to stay my friend. So far, that seems to be going ok.
My big problem was that it got to be exhausting to spend time with him. Every time I'd talk to him, it was such an emotional toll, I'd lose the rest of the days productivity. It would probably not have been that bad if I had a job to provide more structure to the rest of my life. But I don't, so I work with what I've got. In any case, I need to not feel like I'm the only one making effort for a relationship, and that was what things got down to.
I made a lot of exceptions in my priorities for Hunter. Right from the beginning. Things like time with my friends, or how long to wait to get physical, keeping it as an equal partnership, and setting boundaries. These are my rules and I set them for a reason.
The lesson I learned is that no matter how attractive someone is, or how much I love them or want things to work out - if I keep breaking my own rules, I won't be happy.
This relationship did give me more opportunity to explore than any previous relationship, and for that, I'm happy. I don't think I'm going to keep up with most of that, but it is nice to feel like there are more options.
The other issue is that this is the first time I've had a relationship that could effect something else. I volunteer with him for theater tech with a small company. He's the tech director and I've been sort of main on lights. But while we're still friends, it looks like that could continue to work out. I'd really like it to.
Now I'm taking some time to reconnect with all of the friendships that I allowed to slip with the relationship drama.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Have a Heart: My Relationship Is Not a Convent
I was really sad today. One of those “I could walk in front of a train” days - they start happening in November and follow until mid-Spring. These days often turn into me doing not-so-surreptitious research on joining a convent (usually Catholic, I’m traditional if nothing else. Though I’m not at all Catholic.)
I’ve fantasized about being a nun almost my whole life, and I absolutely blame Rodgers and Hammerstein, and bloody Maria von Trapp.
One of the most poignant moments for me as of late was about Mother Superior and How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? She’s a devil - she’s an angel - she’s a giiiiirl! And with that the nuns promptly decide that perhaps Maria does not belong in the convent and perhaps Mother Superior should hire her out to be a governess to a cranky widower. “You’re not really cut out to be a nun, Maria,” they say, “Being a child in a tree and looking down at our quiet, holy lives does not prepare you to make these vows.”
The more important part of the story comes later when Maria gets frustrated and comes back to the convent, citing that it was too hard and she couldn’t get through to the children. Mother Superior tells her to “climb every mountain” in one of my favorite solo songs. At its essence, the song (and Mother Superior’s role) is to encourage Maria to stop hiding from her problems. A convent is not built to keep your secrets, or for you to ignore your unprofessed love of the Captain, or to… hide. (We know because Rolf found them in the end anyway. I know, it’s a true story, but hush. I’m making metaphors out of molehills.)
Relationships, like convents, are not good places to pretend you don’t have problems. A habit cannot save you from your reckless dreams, and a relationship can’t save you from the problems you’ve been trying to avoid your whole life.
Maria has wild abandon. She’s not suited for a quiet life of being a nun. I have issues that look like whatever the opposite of wild abandon is. I’m not suited to be a wife right now.
So, unable to afford the therapist I want to see, I’m borrowing a leaf out of my own crazy book and turning (after 15 years of holy abandon, practicing almost entirely by myself) to organized(ish) religion. Because I’m craving so much solitude and contemplation, I started going to the weekly dharma gathering at the NYC Shambhala Center. I don’t know a lot about Buddhism yet (beyond what I can glean from the Beats), but I am pretty great at sitting still for long stretches at a time and focusing on my breath.
Today we did a love-kindness focused seven-part guided meditation and I was really bad at it. I had trouble focusing on our meditation phrase, “May you find happiness.” We started with a benefactor, then ourselves, then a neutral person, then someone who annoys us, then all the people in the room, and then the whole universe. Not only did I have trouble picking a benefactor (because there were too many!), but I had trouble picking a person I was neutral towards, and an even harder time picking someone who annoys me. People who just “rub me the wrong way”... I don’t have very many of those.
I could’ve used more love-kindness focus - I ended up mostly annoyed with inability to focus.
Anyway, once I abandoned the phrase and focused on drawing the warmth from my heart and center, I was able to radiate compassion for the universe like the sun. I can’t imagine what I must have looked like, but I felt like a sunflower. My face raised towards the ceiling, shoulders relaxed, smiling like an idiot. Wrapping the world in love and kindness like a babe.
In our brief one-on-ones, I spoke with a young woman who had the opposite problem - she couldn’t focus on extending to the universe, but individuals didn’t give her too much trouble besides the crying. She felt so deeply towards her friends and benefactors, loved them so much that she cried. I cry a lot too, but usually only when people I love leave me, or I’m just too sad to find another expression.
I liked her - she reminded me of Maria.
I’ve fantasized about being a nun almost my whole life, and I absolutely blame Rodgers and Hammerstein, and bloody Maria von Trapp.
One of the most poignant moments for me as of late was about Mother Superior and How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? She’s a devil - she’s an angel - she’s a giiiiirl! And with that the nuns promptly decide that perhaps Maria does not belong in the convent and perhaps Mother Superior should hire her out to be a governess to a cranky widower. “You’re not really cut out to be a nun, Maria,” they say, “Being a child in a tree and looking down at our quiet, holy lives does not prepare you to make these vows.”
The more important part of the story comes later when Maria gets frustrated and comes back to the convent, citing that it was too hard and she couldn’t get through to the children. Mother Superior tells her to “climb every mountain” in one of my favorite solo songs. At its essence, the song (and Mother Superior’s role) is to encourage Maria to stop hiding from her problems. A convent is not built to keep your secrets, or for you to ignore your unprofessed love of the Captain, or to… hide. (We know because Rolf found them in the end anyway. I know, it’s a true story, but hush. I’m making metaphors out of molehills.)
Relationships, like convents, are not good places to pretend you don’t have problems. A habit cannot save you from your reckless dreams, and a relationship can’t save you from the problems you’ve been trying to avoid your whole life.
Maria has wild abandon. She’s not suited for a quiet life of being a nun. I have issues that look like whatever the opposite of wild abandon is. I’m not suited to be a wife right now.
So, unable to afford the therapist I want to see, I’m borrowing a leaf out of my own crazy book and turning (after 15 years of holy abandon, practicing almost entirely by myself) to organized(ish) religion. Because I’m craving so much solitude and contemplation, I started going to the weekly dharma gathering at the NYC Shambhala Center. I don’t know a lot about Buddhism yet (beyond what I can glean from the Beats), but I am pretty great at sitting still for long stretches at a time and focusing on my breath.
Today we did a love-kindness focused seven-part guided meditation and I was really bad at it. I had trouble focusing on our meditation phrase, “May you find happiness.” We started with a benefactor, then ourselves, then a neutral person, then someone who annoys us, then all the people in the room, and then the whole universe. Not only did I have trouble picking a benefactor (because there were too many!), but I had trouble picking a person I was neutral towards, and an even harder time picking someone who annoys me. People who just “rub me the wrong way”... I don’t have very many of those.
I could’ve used more love-kindness focus - I ended up mostly annoyed with inability to focus.
Anyway, once I abandoned the phrase and focused on drawing the warmth from my heart and center, I was able to radiate compassion for the universe like the sun. I can’t imagine what I must have looked like, but I felt like a sunflower. My face raised towards the ceiling, shoulders relaxed, smiling like an idiot. Wrapping the world in love and kindness like a babe.
In our brief one-on-ones, I spoke with a young woman who had the opposite problem - she couldn’t focus on extending to the universe, but individuals didn’t give her too much trouble besides the crying. She felt so deeply towards her friends and benefactors, loved them so much that she cried. I cry a lot too, but usually only when people I love leave me, or I’m just too sad to find another expression.
I liked her - she reminded me of Maria.
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