Geek Girl Problems

Do you ever have the problem where you bring your boyfriend to an event, and everyone there assumes that you are there as his guest, instead of the reverse?  That happened to me today.

To catch you up, my boyfriend dropped out of the Society for Creative Anachronism in 2008.  We got together around June and I've been persuading him to come back.  I've only been involved in the SCA for a couple of years, but I've managed to do some neat things.  However, I'm not very well known in my own region.  My boyfriend however, before he quit, had been fencing in the society for twenty years and had developed a reputation.

Kinda like dating this guy.

To start off, it's been a very rough week, relationship-wise.  I knew going in that he had communication issues.  What I didn't know was the scope of the problems that could create.

Fast forward to todays' event.  This was our first time attending an event together as a couple, and his first in five years.  Before we even reached the gate, he spotted a posse of his old fencing friends, none of whom he's contacted since quitting.  He decided to approach them first.  They spotted us and and converged on my boyfriend before we even reach the awning.  He immediately dropped my hand and started catching up.  A couple of people are awkwardly left out in the initial rush and end up beside me.  Feeling oddly stranded, I introduced myself to the people whose body language told me they had zero interest in who I am, except as relating to my boyfriend.  I can't blame them - that's how everyone reacts when meeting new people attached to an old friend.  He told me later, in the car, that he had just panicked at seeing so many old friends converge on him at once.
What bothered me was that my boyfriend, by separating as soon as they approached, sent very clear messages that we are less than attached.

Sorry babe - you're cramping my style.

Eventually, we approached Troll and I paid for him to get in, since he'd forgotten to get cash.  He was then immediately swept off by another unknown woman with a short cryptic explanation of "Apparently she needs to show me something, I'll be right back".

I spoke with a friend from my theater troupe for a bit  by the gate and ran into my boyfriend in the hall a few minutes later.  He said the woman was showing him where the dayboard was, so he could get some water or caffeine (dayboard being event food).  At this point, we ran into another woman who, when I introduced myself just said "Oh, you're the one who came in with Boyfriend" - with the inflection implying that's why I was at the event or in the society.  I replied that I'd been in the SCA for awhile, and that I had been working on X, Y, and Z.  Her reply was "Oh, I just meant that was how I remember you.  Now you have another characteristic" pointing to my apprentice belt.  Great.

We both ended up having a good time at the event.  Mostly by virtue of splitting up, he to the fencing list, and I to the throwing range.  But in the car ride home, he kept giving me these worried looks.  I felt tired, and a little irritated, but it was hard to put my finger on why.  But I think I have it.  He kisses me as we part, on the lips, on the forehead.  But there's something missing.  I don't feel that he wanted to spend time with me at this event at all.  And when we were together there, I was treated as an accessory.  So I didn't want to spend time with him, either.  What marked it was how conscientious some of my male friends at the event were in contrast to my absentminded and absent boyfriend.  They'd greet me courteously and come sit just to talk to me, and he could barely give me the time.  Near the end, I asked him to watch me throw axes as I'd just learned today. He forgot or didn't listen, and left for the fencing list again.

That last throw had a bit of extra oomph.

He wasn't fencing today, just catching up.  I really enjoy fencing, and was looking forward to trying the SCA style.  I wanted to start fencing with him.  But if all of the other fencers treat me as some kind of self mobilizing baggage attached to my boyfriend, I cannot start.  I'm honestly not sure what I can do to be more assertive of my personality without coming off as a so-called bitch. This isn't to say everyone reacted this way. Just enough.

But I won't tolerate being treated as arm candy.

"Arm Candy" started as a joke.  I'm seventeen years younger than my boyfriend, and at twenty six, I still get carded.  So it's easy to understand how our relationship could be misinterpreted at first glance.  We've joked about it between the two of us.  But I didn't think I'd have to worry about that in the SCA.  It's full of creative people who have serious hobbies.  I never have this kind of issue when I'm on my own, making my way.  And yet, when I appear with someone, I'm immediately dismissed as lesser.

Fuck.  That.  Shit.

I've developed a sudden affinity for axes.  And throwing things.
These shall be my method of rebellion.
Woe unto the shortsighted.

His relative inattention didn't help either.  I may be making mountains out of molehills, but I don't think he flirted with me once today.  There were kisses.  There was some hand-holding.  But there was nothing behind it.  Not once did I see a flirty gleam in his eye.  Not once did he seem excited to see me, or to be there with me.  And whenever I saw him, I felt my own enthusiasm for the event drain out of me.  I tried to suggest joint time at the different activities, and it worked for a little while.  But one or the other of us just seemed to keep getting bored.  And any time he looked at me, he just seemed unhappy.

Part of me wants to find a way to assert myself as a human being with separate talents while broadcasting that we're happily "taken".

The rest of me wonders what the hell happened to the fun and the fire, and what can be done to light it again.

You can fix anything with a bit of solder, right guys?